Posted by Karen Aaland on November 23, 2001 at 17:01:19:
In Reply to: pushing my 9th grade son through school. posted by hopeless, please help! on October 18, 2001 at 16:26:00:
my son is also adh/with bipolar. Let me tell you what completely turned him around...We let him get a motorcycle, just a used 90cc at first. We live in So. Cal. where there are tracks and desert to ride in. We bought all the safety equipment/gear and he had to wear it. (You can get it used) He paid for gas and usually track admission. On the motorcycle he had control and freedom. He could deal with his agression, and challenge himself. He could get away from everything and everyone. He spent all of his free time cleaning and maintaining it. He read magazines & repair manuals, we took him to stores for equipment/supplies, or just to look around. It was the best incentive ever! We finally could have conversations without fights and and spend time together. (We had to drive him and wait, a good time to read, do handiwork, and watch him) Yes, he broke a leg once, but even that drew us closer,he appreciated the care and attention. The whole motorcycle experience gave us the opportunity to talk in a non threatening way. He talked to other riders, his age and older. He made freinds and learned much. He even entered some races and bought a better motorcycle. (He had to earn the money) He gained confidence and self respect. He felt like a man, not a child, a very important struggle for a teenager. He also gained valuable driving skills, thinking ahead (in riding), impulse control, planning and time management(for the next trip, getting homework and chores done so he could go, saving,(always something else to buy). These wonderful changes in him spilled into his school life. He joined the wrestling team (to build muscle and stay in shape for riding) made a great new circle of friends who don't smoke, drink, or have sex. He is now 17 1/2. He has been working since age 15, now a lube tech/shift manager at a local Oil Can Henry's. He is very knowledgeable in mechanics and saved enough money to buy a truck, which he mostly rebuilt, grades are mostly A's. (We told him he had to obtain and maintain a B average to ride, or drive, because of insurance) He has dated a wonderful girl for over a year now. They have promised to remain virgins until they get married, the kids in his group hang out at our house often. He has been nominated for homecoming, formal dance king 2x already this year! (he never even had many friends before) He has never had a ticket or accident. I couldn't ask for anything more or a better son. He really appreciates all we have gone through with him. He used to have manic rage attacks and physical outbursts. He has had 1 in the last yr. I have also learned something important. I tell myself to shut up. It's best not to talk too much. We have an agreement, I only ask 3 questions at a time. The difference is immeasurable. Also, the best way to deal with his irritability or anger over a situation is to leave him alone. My son needs to be ignored when his behavior is out of line, it gives him time to "chill out", the arguement, etc. then becomes less emotional. I have learned to not take things personally. I know my son's first reaction is always negative, or no, then he gets over it. I ignore the first response, he does everything I ask of him that way without arguement. I notice when he is stressed his irritability increases. I "stay out of his way", he needs "space and time alone", I do extra nice things for him and ease up on any demands on him, even doing some special things for him like doing his laundry (he normally does it) making his favorite dinner etc. He is now a loving affectionate person! I believe the money we spent on motorcycles, eating out, taking friends along, doing special things for him, such as paying for a track ticket, or a part etc.here and there, or buying extra snacks to have for friends when he rides or they come over is less than we had been spending on psych. visits, drs. testing, and medications. He takes nothing now! We are and tell him frequently how much we respect him and love him. Also, when he was that age, he and my husband started going to breakfast every Saturday morning. He didn't always want to go, but he had to. It's a hard time for boys when they are struggling to be "manly" and identifying with Dad, Mom becomes the enemy. They talked and spent time together just the 2 of them. I wasn't "allowed". Except occasionally. Lucky me, I got to sleep in!!! The best advice, this too shall pass! Don't even waste time with the small details in the big picture, take yourself out of the emotion of the situation, let him learn the conseqences, no matter how hard. He'll learn better, faster, with greater appreciation than his peers who are indulged and rescued. My son is very proud of what he has, what he has achieved even if it isn't the best motorcycle, truck, etc. because he bought it and maintained it himself. That is so gratifying to him and us.